The Fake Artist
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Remember Francis Buxton in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure? He was such a sensationally ridiculous character. Somehow, we delighted in the wacky idea of an actual man-baby. It was horrifying, yet adorable in a grotesque way, because it was a caricature. It was a highly exaggerated, zany creation from the mind of the great Paul Reubens, who, remember, had a living genie’s head in a box and a talking chair. These concepts do not actually exist, and therefore, we could sink into another universe, accepting things that were too bonkers for our boring real lives.
Ah, Francis…smugly (and snugly) buttoned into his monogrammed coverall onesie matching his Daddy’s. Driven by a consuming, obsessive desperation to possess whatever Pee Wee had. He lived in a fancy house, spoke with a nasally whine, his resting face was the sneer of a brat, and his Daddy bought him whatever his heart desired. Money was no object. He did not play well with others; he was a spoiled, unpleasant, fat middle-aged man toddler. His nanny brought in his collection of toys at bathtime, which he hoarded because the concept of sharing was inaccessible to him. Servants cleaned up his careless messes, fed him, and dressed him. Coddled and pampered, Francis was unable to grasp the dynamics of playtime with Pee Wee, his only frienemy. He lacked coping skills. If he couldn’t immediately have what he wanted, Daddy would step in to offer cash at any price to keep baby Francis pacified. Fleeting happiness just out of reach. Francis, a prolific crybaby, manipulator, perpetual victim at the hands of diabolical Pee Wee. He cheated, stole, or sought revenge if he couldn’t buy or cry his way to get something that belonged to someone else. Poor, awful Francis.
For those who don’t know, along with my roles as mother, sister, daughter, friend, writer, digital philosopher, and consultant, I am also Jack White’s #1 fan. Possibly #2 after John C. Reilly or maybe his mom. And, I don’t mean to brag, but I was formerly named World’s Okayest Employee, but when I left corporate employment, I was asked to return the mug and the title.
Love him or hate him, White isn’t out using his celebrity to make political statements. He isn’t trying to grab headlines or followers by being controversial. He creates music that sounds like nothing else, a distinct, instantly recognizable sound, applying his mastery of words, context, and meaning - poetry expressed in the lyrics, instrumental effects, rhythm, vocal styling, and lack of affectation. His art is performance, storytelling, moments and moods animated in personas, and his own magnetic presence shifting onstage into its own unique fantastic character, a virtuosic guitarist, and a natural entertainer, probably an accidental result of genius sharing his creations with the world. He’s an artist in the authentic sense of making stuff that he loves, stuff no one else can do, and his audience find meaning in the music. The rest of the time, he runs his upholstery business. He doesn’t chase the spotlight; the spotlight finds him.
So, back in August there’s this photo of Trump and Zelensky posing during their meeting in the Oval Office. White posts on his own feed with his opinion of the redecoration with the caption:
“It’s now a vulgar, gold-leafed and gaudy, professional wrestler’s dressing room.”
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Seriously. The Official White House of the United States, having a self-publicized temper tantrum replete with insults, name-calling, and most embarrassingly, a foray into music and art criticism. Here’s the statement. From the White House. The Official White House, as in, the executive offices and residence of the President. Just so we’re clear, this statement was made by an official spokesman, and it’s fucking hilarious:
“Jack White is a washed-up, has-been loser posting drivel on social media because he clearly has ample time on his hands due to his stalled career,” claimed White House spokesman Steven Cheung.
“It’s apparent [White]’s been masquerading as a real artist, because he fails to appreciate, and quite frankly disrespects, the splendor and significance of the Oval Office inside of ‘The People’s House,’” Cheung added.
White’s response back was essentially just a reflection on his amazement at the raw and unabashed irony - the absolute absurdity - of the circumstances that drew the ire of our official national headquarters, who, I’m sure, were called away from all other federal issues (national security? FBI? CIA? Gov shutdown? Tariffs? Cease-fire negotiations??) to focus completely on getting the details out to the American people as soon as possible.
I wonder how Cheung felt writing this, and then having to say it? If he’s got a sense of humor, maybe he grasped how awesome this was. If he actually wrote this in earnest, *I* am grasping how awesome this is. I, for one, am relieved to know that our highest national priority is allocating time to stew in a personally distressing difference in decoration preferences. White’s opinion was apparently perceived as a very personal attack, so any other agenda items scheduled at that time would have needed to be cancelled to allow for the anger and hurt to boil over, and for additional ruminating about the context of White’s reckless words. What could have motivated him to write something so disrespectful and untrue about the tasteful, understated embellishments? How? Why? The only possible conclusion one could draw for how to arrive at such an inaccurate and hurtful description, how the possibility of disliking something so objectively beautiful as the sublime decorations (those fine complimentary color swatches and opulent florals, that hint of mauve running through the drapes and tying the concept together to coordinate with the carpeting, so thoughtfully appointed!!) What kind of person isn’t moved to a hovering teardrop by a delicate collection of trinkets, cherubs, medallions, urns, and a fruit tray - unified by a classic choice of Rust-Oleum Bright Coat Gloss Gold Metallic Spray (just a whisper - a hint)?
How?? The ONLY ANSWER possible is that…Jack White has just been pretending. Masquerading as an artist all this time. THAT’S IT! He’s a fraud. Hiding in plain sight! Hahaha!!! And, he actually revealed his own long con by making such a dead giveaway remark! So not even a *smart person* OR an artist! It all makes sense. All these years, people thought his music was so great and he was so talented!! EXPOSED!!!!! What a total philistine. Just a common rube. The jig is up, Jack White, now what?! Well, he gave it a good run! He kept up the act for almost 30 years. He was so committed to his pretend identity as an artist that he became a world-famous guitar player, wrote albums and film scores, and published a bestselling book. He became an actor and won Grammys, then started his own record label and befriended some of the most acclaimed musicians in the world. All while not even being smart or an artist at all! Well, time to announce the truth to the world. All in a day’s work.
Such strange, misplaced behavior is both incomprehensible and yet fully consistent with what we all should be able to understand by now. Observed patterns, reactions to perceived slights, obsessions, and rumination on trivial pop culture resulting in abnormal fits aren’t new or shocking from Trump anymore. It’s what we should expect. We should stop being surprised that we don’t see him exhibit something dignified or elevated, that there’s never going to be a response that gives us certainty he possesses character, that he is outwardly focused on the pressing issues of our country, and that he is unshakably secure as a servant-leader capable of sublimating ego to keep the nation’s well being his purpose and calling.
Lately, when I read yet another headline about Trump’s lying, cheating, stealing, buying, manipulating, hoarding, having tantrums over someone else’s recognition, or when he picks a new target to publicly insult and denigrate (usually celebrities - talented, beautiful, charismatic, artistic, popular, funny, well-liked), it makes sense to see the hateful rhetoric. I am no longer shocked or disappointed or thrown into a spiral bemoaning what our country has become. Yes, Trump is a poor excuse for our nation’s leader. I mean, he’s a poor excuse for an adult. Yes, it’s terrible that he can throw tantrums and say insulting, babyish things on the platform of a once-respected, revered office. I am embarrassed for all of us. It’s shameful that he is a pathological liar, and we all know it. No doubt he sees himself as above all rules and laws and can do anything he wants. He’s ignorant, uneducated, uncultured, doesn’t have basic manners, and isn’t fit for refined events. He can buy off anyone, cover up his repulsive behaviors, push plastic trinkets from Taiwan, and sell our own country back to us after pocketing every last dollar.1
I basically don’t think it helps to insult and name-call Trump2 or his cronies, or his lackies, or his cult. But sometimes describing something includes words that would be insults or just name-calling in other applications, to other people.3 It’s silly and illogical to claim that every single MAGA is a Nazi, a Fascist, a White Nationalist, a bigot, a grifter.4 To laugh at their ignorance, to hope they have a terrible life, or to say they are going to get what they deserve. These kinds of statements are just churning hatred and division. It’s not my job to decide what anyone ‘deserves,’ or to imagine I know the truth of the sum of their choices. For one thing, while I don’t think Trump offers anything good or useful, I do think calling him Fascist or whatever other comparative labels kind of gives him too much credit. Trump is no mastermind.5 He isn’t qualified to take an 8th grade social studies test (we’ve all seen his consistent lack of knowledge of geography, countries mispronounced, misuse of labels and definitions when lobbing insults at others, making statements and declarations and decisions that clearly contradict our basic founding documents…) so if he’s planning world domination, it’s by accident. His day is spent seeking rage bait on social media, napping in the tariff negotiation, and making lists of people to attack and deem cancelled for his followers to circulate in social media slop and influencers to get the buzz going.
Answer poll below! I need answers.
There’s no shortage of Trump’s divisive encouragement and the deepening belief that the established Enemy (every single Democrat plus everyone else that Trump cancels) is -all of them - dangerously evil; they have created vast intricate conspiracies against Trump. I have friends who are Trump followers. They are not all Nazis or bigots.6 They aren’t all ignorant or brainwashed or hateful. Over time, I have seen some slowly put some distance between their original devotion and their openness to reconsider some of his policy decisions. MAGA followers as a general group are interesting. I have spent a lot of time talking, reading, trying to understand how they arrived at their choice to be all in on so many things that keep creeping away from anything we once considered the limit of ‘acceptable.’ I think many really, deeply believe the exceptions, denials, excuses, diversions, and the existence of a very real and present danger in the Democratic Party.
This one really baffles me and I’ve never gotten an answer, so if you have insights, please comment or message me! The endless glee and purest of all delights as a MAGA: Owning the Libs. They think it’s simply the best, most wonderful thing. A MAGA will double over laughing - at the same variation on theme that has been shared on their feeds and texts in an infinite feedback loop hundreds of thousands of times. It’s never very funny by actual humor standards, always falling low on the complexity/ originality scale. They aren’t even provocative enough to be triggering, but that’s what I find really compelling: even when the libs couldn’t care less and are definitely not owned or even paying attention, MAGA will lose their grip on reality laughing and sharing and back patting each other to emphasize the massive epic ownership of the libs. And they find it hysterical every single time. It’s incredible: like kindergartners laughing so hard they cry every time someone says ‘fart.’ Pure hysterics.
Answer poll below! I need answers.
Predictably, we’ve arrived at the logical result of the campaign against the Enemy. The Libtards are, in fact, the mobilized followers of the anti-christ, their vaccinations and microchips the unfolding of God’s prophecy of the Mark of the Beast, and the coming battle will be the real test for the lord’s faithful. Hmmm. So, saying things like that out loud used to be the domain of the schizophrenic zealots. Slowly, all of these vignettes that were (not so long ago) just exaggerations and parodies - things we all laughed at because they aren’t actual ways adults interact and behave with one another - have become…’normal.’ Acceptable. Believable.
I am not a Democrat, or an Independent. I am currently a political orphan. I know exactly where I stand on individual issues and policies, and I spend a lot of time evaluating my beliefs, examining ethical choices, and trying to check my statements against my beliefs, against my actions, against my choices, against my behaviors. I want to live honestly and be an example that my child can look at and think - ‘yeah, mom did what i expected in that moment, that's what she claims is important to her.’ When I’m wrong or wish I’d done it differently, I say so. All.the.time. I see so many liberal posts that make assumptions, sweeping judgments, and become hostile if someone deviates from the acceptable rules for ‘their’ space. Some of the really controlling people will kick your ass right out and then harass you in other spaces. It’s very easy to get labeled completely incorrectly, which only gets louder if you try to say it isn’t true. I don’t understand what is gained from social media spaces if you demand everyone believe this exact thing, AND you are not allowed to even mention or ask questions. ‘If you believe XYZ’s statement about ABC can be discussed in ANY context, you can FUCK RIGHT OFF!! You do not have a voice here and NO i don’t need to research where this came from. Buh-bye, you ARE the problem!!!’ Whoa. Yeah, I can’t see us discussing anything, ever. But that’s unfortunate. Silencing what you disagree with or don’t fully understand keeps the echo chambers echoing louder and longer.
Ok, I have adjacent thoughts, specifically to close the loop on the relationship between Trump and Francis Buxton, but this post is already too long, so I will continue later. NOT a real artist
The world isn’t black and white. It’s not this or that. Some perspectives and beliefs are unacceptable to me, but there are lots of ways to interpret others. It’s tempting to hear a particular keyword and immediately shut down by slapping a label on someone. The things I say and wonder about, the perspectives I look through for insights, and my worldview shift and change all the time. If I say something that upsets you, or that offends you, I *want* to hear why. I may have phrased something poorly. I may reflect and regret what I said. I may hear your thoughts and learn something that changes my mind. I may be using a shade of sarcasm or a character’s voice that isn’t coming through with the right meaning. Maybe we don’t agree, and that’s ok, too.
For now, can we all agree that only REAL artists, people who can successfully appreciate the splendiferousness, luxuriance, and resplendency of the artistically decorated White House can comment with opinions? If FAKE artists like Jack White, III start defiling the significance of the designs and the harmony of absolute aesthetic truth, it will be even harder to tell who is an Artist Fraud. (Do not confuse with Fraud Artist, which is an entirely different concern. We suspect Jack White is both.)
The United States isn’t a masquerade ball, where you can just defraud the public with claims of being an artist. We will be implementing an official designation process for those who claim they are artists, and we will be auditing for compliance.
And no has-been losers.
(I have enabled The Gravestone Chat - I want you to join me, please! No fake artists.)
If you are a Trump fan, please remember this is only my opinion and commentary - I do not intend to insult you personally. I feel that we have all witnessed the examples of what I list here - this is public knowledge.
Some objective truths apply, though. He is a liar, though he denies or mitigates the details. He makes cultural gaffes without embarrassment with foreign leaders all the time, but chooses not to learn appropriate interaction expectations in prep. We have hundreds of video clips, transcripts, documents, recordings that give damning proof of behavior from disrespectful to criminal.
‘Ok, so what do you consider name-calling when it comes to Trump?
I’ve always thought attacks on appearance or things about a human outside choices they make and things that are proven facts are just low and don’t make the person doing it look good. I don’t call him Orange Cheeto or whatever, even if I agree it’s a fair moniker. It bothers me when people make fun of bodies, looks, personal clothes - just for the sake of trying to be funny or to be mean. I don’t know if my boundaries on this are right or wrong, but that’s where I feel like it’s coming from a place in me that I don’t like.
If someone robs a cash register at the 7/11, he’s a thief. I don’t think that name-calling, but if someone wanted to imply a business’s prices were unfair, without justification, calling that owner a thief would be speculative and probably coming from a source of personal resentment.
Though plenty are - not speculative, proven or even proudly admitted.
That’s not to say there isn’t a mastermind(s), but it’s not him.
‘Whoa, whoa, whoa - you’re saying some are Nazis and bigots???? CANCELLED!
No, that’s not what I am saying. Some people in the world are Nazis and bigots. I am sure we all know and interact with some people who are all sorts of terrible things, whether we know it or not. That’s not the point. The point is that labels, assumptions, grouping according to your definitions and beliefs, and cancelling people by association doesn’t make sense.
But no, I am not hanging out having a grand old time with people who use racial slurs or discuss hatred of specific races, identities, religions. Try to stay focused.